The Right Way To Grieve
I don't often share personal information on my blog. But tonight, that changes. Because I, personally, am seeking a right way to grieve. I lost a family member. Unexpectedly and traumatically. I've been working in the psychotherapy world for years. I have helped dozens of people through their own grief and loss processes. And today and yesterday and tomorrow and for days to come, I will be seeking my own solace. My own remedy for grief.
Here's the catch. THERE IS NO RIGHT WAY TO GRIEVE.
What we might think:
I am alone in my grief.
Actually, we are never alone in our grief. Everyone processes their grief differently. Some people are internal processors, some people are external processors. Some people find it difficult to talk to others. Some people need to find other people who can listen to them. Some people are stoic. Some people cry. The most important part is not only that we grieve, but that we mourn the loss in a way that is meaningful for us.
What we might think:
I should have/could have done something differently to prevent this.
Usually, when people decide to end their lives, it is not one action...or even a handful of actions, that created that decision. Depression is a painful burden to carry. It is not BECAUSE of one person or a couple of situations...the decision to commit suicide is a multi-faceted and complicated state of mind. Every 20 minutes, somebody commits suicide. And for every suicide, there are the survivors who wonder what they could have done differently. I am not a suicidologist. The fact that there is an actual science that studies suicide echoes the mystery...the painful reality that there is no one answer....nobody to blame...but please...don't blame yourself. Because you, we, I were part of a wonderful life that ended too soon. We were (and are) part of the beauty.
What we might think:
I, you, they should just get over it.
Actually, grieving and mourning take different people different amounts of time. Some important things to remember, whether you are in pain over losing a loved one or if you are supporting someone who is in the midst of grief:
There are 5 stages of grief. Each stage takes different amounts of time for different people.
Stage 1: Denial and isolation. Our emotions are overwhelming and by denying and isolating, we attempt to rationalize the difficult-to-accept reality. This carries us through the first wave of pain and is a temporary stage.
Stage 2: Anger. Anger often serves to cover up deep pain and in the grieving process, this is exactly what role anger plays. This stage might entail rageful blaming of the person who committed suicide or anger towards yourself or others. Perhaps the anger comes out in subtle ways that aren't seemingly connected to the traumatic loss we have suffered. Anger is a response to pain that deflects the sadness and aching away from our core, our hearts.
Stage 3: Bargaining. We were powerless to stop this and bargaining is a way to try to regain some control in our mind. It is also a weaker defense than anger and it moves us towards Stage 4.
Stage 4: Depression. Depression after mourning might take on these two forms. The first type of depression is a somewhat practical form: worrying about arrangements, other people, feeling bad about the time we have spent grieving already. When you suffer from this kind of depression, try to gently remind yourself that you are grieving a friend, a son, a brother, a loved one...the process affects even the practical aspects of life. And be kind to yourself and others who are struggling. The second kind of depression is a private weight as we learn to accept the reality and begin to say goodbye. We will move through this stage at different times. Reach for eachother. Let silent struggle be met with gentle caring.
Stage 5: Acceptance. This stage is when we have moved through depression and come to accept our loss. It is a peaceful place of internal reconciliation. Not everyone reaches this stage and some get stuck in the stages of anger and depression...especially after a suicide. However we have a better chance of reaching this stage of acceptance by communicating and commemorating in the ways that best suit our individual ways.
And in our grieving, let us mourn in the ways that are authentic for us...create art, music, organize , honor, and pay tribute in a way that is meaningful for you. Remember, there is no right way to grieve. But it is important that we DO grieve.
Here are some phone numbers, if you are struggling.
Rockford Crisis Line: 815-968-9300
Greater Chicago Area Crisis Line: 1-800-248-7475
Madison, WI Crisis Line: 608-280-2600
Photo Credit: Jake Schumaker. R.I.P.
